Seriously, I cannot believe I just watched the entire overbloated two hour premiere of NBC’s Clash of the Choirs. It was craptacular to say the least but somehow I got sucked in and had to see how each of the 5 celebrity singers did with their choirs.
Nich Lachey was up first and honestly all I could think about (well for the first minute or so) was, why his head is so huge. It’s abnormally watermelon large, right? That little Drew’s head looks normal but Nick’s got some kind of disease (probably from that skank Vanessa Minnillo but you didn’t hear that from me) or somethin’. I don’t know that I believe Nick had much input in the musical training of the choir but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt, it’s charity after all. They performed “Unwritten” The Hills Theme Song and it was okay if not a little hokey. There was a little too much American Idol Live group singing and not enough choir, or at least what I expect a choir to be.
Next up was Kelly Rowland from Destiny’s Child. Girl you go get yours and further distance yourself from that bitch Beyonce. Show her you too can make it… on a really cheesy… reality show… wait! Tell the world you don’t need to show your goods or have your dress blown up into the wind showing off your boobs and cooch to get fans! Yeah, you stick it to her Kelly Rowland. Team Rowland did George Michael’s “Freedom 90” though they didn’t credit the “90″… I’ll let that slide. It had a couple more choir-ish moments but overall it was once again too karaoke/talent searchish for my liking.
I had huge high hopes for Michael Bolton. The man’s sold over 50 million albums and has one of my personal fave song titles… “I Said I Loved You… But I Lied.” He’s bagging Nicolette Sheriden and thankfully working the short locks still. Sadly, Bolton was as big a disappointment as his unfortunate mullet from back in the day. He decided to have a lead singer and made the mistake of choosing a song from a New Jersey artist to showcase his small town Connecticut choir. It was hands down the worst high school talent show crap of the night. I felt let down Michael, now I know why Ashely Judd left you.
Someone Country artist named Blake Sheldon was fourth and I was shocked. I feel like I’m a pretty in touch guy, a pretty well rounded pop cultural kinda fanatic yet I’ve never heard of this hillbilly in my life! He reminds me of one of Paula Dean’s son’s (and now you know I watch too much of The Food Network) and that’s not a bad thing. He had humor and personality and for being a country boy with no formal musical background, his hand picked choir kicked some ass tonight. They performed “Life is a Highway” and made it their own. It had soul, it had heart, and most of all it sounded like a choir. For the first time tonight, I’m impressed.
And last we had the great Patti LaBelle. Girl schooled ever fool up in the house tonight! She went old school church choir on our asses and it had the rafters shaking, the pews a swaying, and my gay ass singing praise! This is what I was waiting 2 hours for! This is what each and every choir should have been striving for. THIS IS A TRUE CHOIR! If there is any justice in the world, Miss Patti and her Philly Choir will win this whole competition. Amazing! They rocked “He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands” and there ain’t a group that could top them.
I’m glad this is a charity event, not just a television reality show. The fact that one charity will walk away with $250,000 is a huge deal and something everyone involved should be proud of. I’m Team LaBelle all the way and even voted for her. Why do I do it to myself? I get sucked into these hideous shows… each and every time!
Did you guys watch? What did you think?
Tuesday night at 8 p.m. we find out which choir is eliminated first. Wednesday night is another performance night where each of the remaining four choirs perform my faves… Christmas songs. Please tell me I won’t be watching all week, someone please come and slap me senseless until I come to my senses.
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