Last night was horror film night over ON THE LOT and once again when the show was over I was enraged at how retarded it is. OTL (not to be confused with OLTL) managed to live up to its theme though this week, I was horrified that I’m still watching.

Eli Roth who I have to admit I have a little hard on for was the guest judge and instead of being an enthusiastic mentor to these filmmakers only a few years younger than he, basically he was a total douche. While I love Eli Roth’s mission and his films (Cabin Fever actually gets better with more viewings and Hostel/Hostel 2 are deliciously fun) I would hardly say he’s the second coming of Horror Christ (that title goes to Rob Zombie). Eli Roth is good at what he does but they are incredibly flawed films with flimsy plotlines. His films are gore and fun not horror, period.

So to see him rip apart the only good horror type films of the night was sad to me. While none of these films really scared me, there were some that had incredibly good horror elements and two that stood out above the rest by combining horror and comedy.

The best films of the night belong to Sam Friedlander and Andrew Hunt.

Sam Friedlander’s Anklebiters was pretty funny, scary, and gory! There was a line delivered by the Mother as she was walking out of the bedroom that was simply perfection and I don’t know if Sam even knows it slays! “Start tomorrow off on the right foot!” Genius because we know any second this kids right ankle is going to be chewed off by some fang toothed rat looking thing. Good puppetry, great screaming by the kid, and I thought the tag was good.

Andrew Hunt’s Midnight Snack was a whimsical tale of monsters lurking in your closet and the reveal that you know they’re there. Some perfect shots in this piece. The placement of the ghouls, superb and the final reveal pretty funny! I love the nod to numerous Japanese horror films as well. Andrew Hunt in my opinion NAILED it last night!

In third place is hillbilly Jason Epperson’s Eternal Waters. It had some great shots, the pacing was good, and it was very J-Horror in its spirit coming back to help the living element. Japanese horror is always centered on the elements and righting a wrong. They’re very spiritual and earthy and I thought Jason Epperson did a great job capturing that feel. Too bad his films always have a religious or very pointed message. Contrary to what Eli Roth said, I thought the Mother was fine and while she was dressed too young I can see him doing it for the votes. If we’re gonna criticize the woman, it should be for not being pretty enough to wear that outfit. I kid. Is it wrong that all I could think while watching was, “Why is she so upset? They’re twins, she still has another kid?” Yes, I know… the twins were the actors, not the characters and YES I’M JOKING!

Fourth last night would be Shira-Lee’s not so scary ghost/haunted house story Open House. The best part of the whole film was the actress with the lisp that I always think is S. Epatha Merkerson but its not. Her part was haunting and touching but the rest of the film was cliched and I hated the tag.

Kenny Luby’s urban cannibal tale of internet myths, The Malibu Myth was bad. BAD BAD BAD.

Last was Mateen Kemet’s “real life horror” tale of racial profiling and the nightmare of DWB in America. While I applaud his attempt, I just wish he would step out of his socially conscious box and create a film the pushes his abilities. Regardless, it didn’t work at all.

Watch Sam Frieldlander’s Ankelbiters
Watch Andrew Hunt’s Midnight Snack
Watch Jason Epperson’s Eternal Waters
Watch Shira-Lee’s Open House
Watch Kenny Luby’s The Malibu Myth
Watch Mateen Kemet’s Profile

If you’re wondering who went home from last week’s mess of films, it was David May.

If you go back and look at my ON THE LOT posts from the beginning, I was so excited for this show and was a huge supporter but I think I may have to start eating crow. Fox has completely lost control of this filmmaking reality competition and sent it spiraling into an unknown orbit even E.T. couldn’t phone home from.

The original format of the show was two episodes per week; the first they showed all the films from all the directors and then the second night we learned who had the lowest number of votes from the viewing public and that person was sent home. It was intended to be a film a week kind of competition where pressure and structure limitations forced the best directors to rise to the top.

Fox was spooked by the ratings and reduced the show to one night a week only days before their next live episode. This left the format of the show in limbo but I assumed it would all be explained during the first live broadcast. Three weeks later I still have no clue what reality show model they’re working from, what the format is, how its all decided, or what will happen to the overall purpose of On The Lot.

In the last 3 weeks we’ve seen 15 films, 5 at a time. That means they’ve not made films for the last 3 weeks. How boring could that be for each contestant. They’re just waiting and waiting to be picked off one by one for films they made and are ready to move on from? This so isn’t what the contestants signed on for and its really not what I signed on for as a film lover, former film student, and tv junkie.

That being said, I still love watching the short films each contestant makes. None of them are golden, none of them are perfect but many of them show incredibly talent and promise.

Tonight the lovable Will Bigham, the country boy Jason Epperson, the activist Mateen Kemet, the FX guru Zach Lipovsky, and the cutie Jess Brillhart showed their films.

My favorites were Will’s film “Glass Eye” and Zach’s cute fairy tale “Sunshine Girl.” Both have distinct visual styles and told simple stories yet they couldn’t have been more different from the other. “Glass Eye” was very quirky and dark and funny while “Sunshine Girl” took a childhood fear of darkness, found a whimsical solution but in doing so caused mass hysteria in the world.

Hands down the worst films were Jason’s preachy anti-drug anti-violence gang melodrama “Blood Born” and poor delusional Jess‘ supposed horror tale “The Orchard.” Jess’ film had such promise because she described it as a horror film from a tree’s perspective. I initially expected to witness a murder or something from the trees point of view but when I saw that a farmer was cutting down a tree I wanted to see the tree either fight back or see the pain and horror of watching a tree see another tree be mutilated but she delivered neither. It really sucked.

To add to her misery of having a crap film, she had to deal with this genius quote from Carrie Fisher who usually reserves her sharp tongue.

Jessica, that was my least favorite thing next to adolescence and being left by a man for a man. The only thing really scary about it for me was that it could have gone on longer.

Yes she did!

Next week 12 contestants move on but only 6 will show their films from the Comedy genre. The following week the remaining 6 contestants tackle Horror. It’s both comedic and horrifying the direction this show has taken so really its all kind of apropos.

Oh yeah, within the first two minutes filmmaker Marty Martin was sent home with zero fanfare at all.

It’s Tuesday night and ON THE LOT airs at 8pm on Fox.  Don’t forget.  Hell, I just remembered and it’s 7:15.  Curtains up in 45 minutes!

FOX further attempts to force you to watch by having another blockbuster Director on hand tonight.  The Devil Wears Prada director David Frankel will serve as the guest judge beside regulars Carrie Fisher and Garry Marshall.  Too bad they can’t get Meryl in there huh?

Tonight one of the five Directors who showed their films last week will be sent home.  Will it be Sam Friedlander, Hilary Graham, Trever James, Shalini Kantayya or Adam Stein?

I’m not sure, but will someone please tell me what the hell this show is doing?  Will 5 more debut tonight?  Are they new films?  Old films?  So confusing.  FOX GIVE US A BREAK ALREADY!

First and foremost let me apologize to anyone out there that is mad because I said Shai Lebeouf would be a guest judge on tonight’s episode of On The Lot. I got half of the equation right, as Transformers Director Michael Bay was in fact there as guest judge. Sue me! Sorry Rae you were very vocal about your disappointment and boycrushes.

Before talking about the five films screened tonight during the one hour episode of On The Lot, I must say that I still am confused about the direction that Fox is going with the show. Last week On The Lot was rescheduled from two shows a week to one but they’ve never really come clean about how the filmmaking contest will work from here on out.

Tonight five filmmakers had their films screened. There are fifteen contestants remaining so only 1/3 of them competed tonight. What the hell happens to the films that the other 10 made? Are they pieced and parceled out over the next two weeks? That’s lame if that’s the case because the number of films they get to make are cut considerably throughout the course of the summer or it means that every week 1/3 of the films made are not being shown. Either way, someone’s getting screwed in the deal.

The Five Films Screened Tonight Were:
Broken Pipe Dreams by Sam Friedlander
Teri (Blind Date) by Trevor James
The First Time I Met The Finkelsteins by Hilary Graham
Dough: The Musical by Adam Stein
Laughing Out Loud: A Comic Journey by Shalini Kantayya

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“On the Lot” will air its weekly “Film Premiere” episode tonight at 8:00PM ET on Fox, with Transformers star Shia LaBeouf and director Michael Bay serving as guest judges along with regulars Carrie Fisher and Garry Marshall.

The remaining 15 director finalists have been divided into three groups of five, and the first group Sam Friedlander, Hilary Graham, Trever James, Shalini Kantayya and Adam Stein will premiere their personal submission films and receive the judges’ critiques. Viewers will vote for their favorite films after the show.

On the Lot is produced by Mark Burnett Productions, DreamWorks Television and Amblin Television. Mark Burnett and Steven Spielberg are creators and executive producers. David Goffin serves as executive producer with Darryl Frank, Justin Falvey and Conrad Riggs co-executive producers.

Tonight will be the first of the new revamped episodes of On The Lot and it scares me that this show might not even make it through the summer. It’s a really great concept and if it takes getting Optimus Prime himself in there to get ratings, then do it!

Sadly the Mark Burnett/Steven Spielberg created Fox show ON THE LOT is doing so poorly in the ratings that Fox has decided to leave some of the show on the cutting room floor.

I’m highly addicted to the show and think its a really amazing and important step in the reality show process. It’s a truly creative and inspiring show much like So You Think You Can Dance is. Filmmakers battling it out with their talents to get a dream job with Dreamworks.

Instead of two nights per week, On The Lot will now be condensed into one show per week. The Monday night show is gone, effective immediately. The competition and the results will happen simultaneously. If you’re scratching your head, you’re not alone. I don’t know what this means for the whole America Votes aspect of the show unless they are moving the voting process online for a day or two prior to the live broadcast. I’m so confused and annoyed.

On The Lot is needs more than 2 weeks to catch on and grow. Let it find its audience and let people get used to watching short films. America is not a short film society for the most part. It will take some getting used to for the non-fill buffs out there that comprise most of the viewing audience for any given show. FOX, leave it be and let it grow!

On The Lot, Fox’s newest reality show where aspiring filmmakers get a crazy shot at a million dollar development deal with Dreamworks kicked into full gear tonight. Last week they widdled the competition down from 50 contestants to 36 and then halved it again to their competition quantity of 18 contestants.

The remaining 18 contestants were sent home and given one week to write, shoot, and edit a 60 second short Comedy piece. All the rules of story needed to apply. A beginning, a middle, and an end really needed to be present as well as the execution and direction.

Tonight, all 18 films were screened in front of a studio audience, in front of us, the television audience and in front of the Judging Panel. Carrie Fisher, Garry Marshall, and Disturbia director DJ Caruso. To my knowledge, Carrie Fisher is the only permanent Judge, the others will rotate on any given week. Disturbia being such a huge success earlier this month I’m sure granted Caruso a spot.

Anyway, I wanted to talk about some of the films we saw tonight. Having gone to film school, I feel like I can critique them on an educated basis for once. Usually I’m sitting up here on my crystal thrown spouting about dancing, or singing, or cooking, or fashion, or hell even survival tactics when the only exposure I have to these things involve a brief stint as a go-go boy in the early 90s, singing in my car, vegan and vegetarian meal preparation for the last 17 years, and having a book on fashion models from my super gay days. Films, I actually know something. Hot diggity!

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I wouldn’t know, that damn narcolepsy kicked in again. Seriously, the second American Idol and On The Lot were over, I passed out. And that’s literal, not figurative. Done, zonkers, zzzzzzzzzzzz…

Am I 70? Erectile dysfunction can’t by far away.

I also have it on good authority that my girl GMMR didn’t have the chance to watch it either. She had a much better reason though, she was out hanging with a certain NBC star she loves and hates for certain reasons related to her TV Crush at a fundraiser here in Boston.